so lost

This has been the strangest, most difficult year of my life. I feel so lost right now, I don't know what is next for me or what I even want any more. I want the universe to give me some kind of sign and tell me what I should do next. 

Life has been a mess, really all over the place. I laugh. Then I cry. Then I laugh again. I quit the job at the Chinese Medicine clinic. Now I am frantically searching for a new job. I spend all my money on Questbars and then feel bad when I can't make rent.I changed my hair back from blonde to brown. I got a tattoo. I pierced my ear. 

I got wasted on red wine at a family party. I caught up with a dear girlfriend and ordered a decaf soy cappuccino when what I really wanted was the peanut butter shake. I want to do a complete detox but then I eat a mound of chocolate. I have outgrown (literally) all my pre-hospital clothes but I can't really afford new ones. I ate smoked salmon but now I really want to go fully vegan again. 

I am everywhere at the moment, and I am putting strain on the people around me and I know it but I can't help it. I want to go out and live every experience there is but at the same time the world is too much and I want to go back to the safe haven of hospital, with scheduled meal times and someone to remind me to take my medication, and quiet time to read and a logbook that I have to sign out of if I want to go for a walk.

I just want to start this year over fresh. Ugh, exhausted!

My sister and I in the tattoo parlour

Matching (mine is the filled-in one)

Detox equipment