gaining weight

I just want to talk for a minute about my weight gain and the effects that it has had on me mentally, physically and emotionally, in case there are people reading this that are stuck in a skinny rut and are afraid to climb on out. 

In the last three months I have gained seven and a half kilograms and I don't think I've even reached my body's "happy weight" yet. To be fair, I may also be gaining muscle as I have really gotten into weights at the gym lately (extra muscle would be awesome!). I am beginning to really feel appreciation for my body and what it can do.

I started to gain some weight back when I was admitted to hospital (pre-admission my BMI was 17), where I was subjected to regular meals- some of them were even supervised by nurses, as my nemesis bulimia reared its ugly head around this time- and was encouraged to gain weight. I allowed myself treats that I haven't had in years; Mars bars, custard tarts, a few hot chips pinched off Luke's plate. I relaxed a little. I gained a little.

First night in hospital

Tired

Since leaving hospital at the beginning of April, I have continued to gain weight and I am not letting it freak me out at all. I weigh myself once a week if I even remember, and the number holds no power over me at all. It is so interesting how letting go has given me a new lease on life- if only I had known this earlier I could have saved myself a lot of mental anguish! I am still struggling with bulimia, but every time I abstain from those behaviours I feel proud, strong and healthy. And I am getting better and better at abstaining every day. Getting healthy for the win!

Me and my sister- love you Fern

Three or four months ago this weight gain would have freaked me out and sent me into a spin, and I would have desperately fallen into the cycle of multiple weigh-ins per day plus intense restriction of food until it dropped into an acceptable range (in my mind). I can't even imagine how distressing my current weight would have been for me back when I was in the pits of an eating disorder. I told myself that I would never weigh over 55kg, which I can see now was a silly goal. My weight at the moment is 61.4kg and I am 173cm tall, so I am within a healthy BMI range now. And I am so much happier for it.

Energy for friends!

Dancing!

To be honest, I feel so much better about my body now than I did when I weighed less. It's like my goggles have slipped off and I can see myself as I really am, instead of the big beached whale I saw when I was thinner. I feel more womanly and more feminine, two things which are important to me. I can go to a party and dance for hours if I want to. I can go to the zoo without having to sit down on a bench after a short walk. I can go to the markets in the morning with Mum without freezing to the bone. I can eat lollies in bed with my husband without feeling panicked and awful. Life is so much richer now that my eating disorder has been forced to detach itself from me (with help from my husband, family and psychologist!).

Bigger and happier

To anyone struggling with an eating disorder or anything of the like who reads this blog, challenge yourself. Eat a treat and see what happens. Sit with that uncomfortable full feeling and test it out. Nothing bad will happen, I promise. Even though my weight doesn't appear to have stabilized yet, and I am still getting into the habit of eating regularly and healthily, I no longer worry about that stupid number on the scales. I am learning that people value you for so much more than your thinness or your ability to starve; people value your sense of humour, your empathy, your love. 

Holding a friend's (heavy!) baby