34 weeks + a crappy week

I'm not going to lie, this past week has been awful. 

My husband had surgery on his throat, nasal septum and tonsils and has had a horrible recovery (vomiting up bags of blood in the hospital, intense post-op pain, heaps of medications to keep track of) and I have had some sort of cold or flu rendering me pretty much useless.

I just feel totally worn out, emotional and puffy. And I *think* I found the beginnings of stretch marks on my upper thighs, which have admittedly grown a lot over the past year. I am now over twenty kilograms heavier than I was at my lowest weight this time last year, so I suppose I should expect my body to complain a little. Interestingly, my huge pregnant belly is still yet to show any skin trauma- my doctor even asked me what I use to keep it moisturised! FYI, coconut oil after a shower and sometimes Bio-Oil before bed. I also drink a shitload of water and organic, full-cream cow's milk; maybe that is helping too?

On the plus side, my dermatitis appears to be clearing up, as shown in below photograph. As mentioned in a previous post, I have been cleansing with liquid African black soap, splashing and rinsing off diluted apple cider vinegar in the shower, and using pure aloe vera gel as a moisturiser.  The fading of the blotchy red rash on my face has been a huge relief as it was making me feel extremely self-conscious, and I think that's the last thing you need when you are already toting around a watermelon, your thighs have begun to rub together when they never have before (left, meet right!) and none of your pretty shoes fit anymore.

Wet hair don't care

Today has been a day of no errands (thank God) and a lot of sleep. I seriously feel exhausted. Tonight I will eat my dinner (baked tofu and sweet potato with raw kale and nutritional yeast), watch "Masterchef," eat something yummy for dessert and have an early night. This baby growing business is really taking it out of me at the moment!

Tonight's dinner

cold snap

It has been so chilly this week! I much prefer this weather to the summer heat, and have been getting through it by layering up in boots and scarves and making a nest of my bed.

Highlights for this week was receiving a few parcels in the mail full of baby and mama things (peanut butter and jelly Larabars for a hospital-bag snack, breastfeeding supplies, a silicone teething necklace, a nursing bra, tiny baby nail clippers, reusable breast pads!) , and starting to pack away tiny little baby clothes in their designated crates. Thanks for washing them all, Mum! Shit is getting pretty real around here. My hospital bag is almost packed too, but I will tell you about that when it's done.

I am almost 32 weeks into my pregnancy which is super exciting, although I seem to have turned into a bit of a third-trimester sloth. Laying around eating, reading and watching DVDs has never been more tempting, and unfortunately I have been making some pretty crappy food choices. Time for a clean-up both for my sake and bub's.

The clean-up (which I am actually pretty excited about, because I have a lot of healthy snack and meal ideas for the week) began at the farmer's market this morning where I met Emma for coffee and bagel, then picked up a massive bushel of curly kale, green apples, celery, bagels for the freezer, organic sausage and vegetable rolls, and brown onions. I already have lots of carrots, pumpkin and broccoli in the fridge so I am pretty set for meal prep this week.

Winter smoothie for the win

Instead of devouring a packet (or two) of Tiny Teddies, Dunkaroos or ice creams (it's too cold for that anyway!), I made a delicious winter smoothie for my afternoon snack. It's a winter smoothie because it is warm from an extra-long blending in the Vitamix and it has plenty of nice spices to boot. Yum. I love pumpkin anything- roasted, made into chips, custard, added to a latte, baked into a pie...so this smoothie is good for that. Now I will go away and have pumpkin dreams.

Winter Pumpkin and Banana Smoothie

1 banana

1/4 cup pumpkin puree

2-3 big medjool dates

Handful almonds
1/4 cup oats

1 cup milk (I used organic full-cream, but you could use non-dairy too)

1 teaspoon maca powder

Sprinkle of cinnamon

Sprinkle of nutmeg

Knob of fresh ginger (tip of your thumb sized)

Pinch pink sea salt

3-4 drops liquid butterscotch stevia

Blend until the jug feels warm. Pour and enjoy! Just a warning, it did turn out pretty sweet so if you prefer a more savoury taste feel free to reduce the number of dates and skip the stevia altogether.

31 weeks + massaged kale salad

Started my Sunday at the farmer's market with my favourite cousin Emma eating freshly baked blueberry bagels and drinking coffee in the chilly weather. After breakfast we headed off to get our produce (I got organic milk and butter, a huge bunch of kale, butternut pumpkin, broccoli, green beans, lemons, carrots and ginger) then I went home and had a huge nap. An excellent morning for sure!

Everything pregnancy-related is going well and I am really enjoying it. I have been drinking a tonne of cold milk (and splurging on the delicious organic kind from the market) every night as well as hot raspberry leaf tea with honey to help "tone" my uterus in preparation for labour. The tea is also good for digestion, which is a side effect I enjoy as well- makes my stomach feel warm, comfortable and settled. I have been absolutely ravenous since the third trimester began, and have to make sure that I always have a snack within arm's reach. My ribs and back have been aching a bit but other than that, no real complaints.

My skin has been a lot better this week; it is much less red and inflamed, which makes me feel much less self-conscious about it. I think it fares better in the cooler weather, plus I have evolved my skincare routine to washing my face in the shower with liquid African Black soap (see some info about it here), splashing on some diluted apple cider vinegar and rinsing with water, then drying myself and gently massaging in some pure aloe vera gel. This combination seems to be good. My Mum and I went shopping yesterday and both treated ourselves to a jar of Burt's Bees eye cream which seems to be helping soothe the dryness around my eyes (plus I feel so fancy applying eye cream- I guess I am twenty-five now, so it might be time to start looking after that area!). I also made a face mask yesterday afternoon using some warmed-up honey and some mashed banana and it was totally amazing! My skin was smooth and it really calmed down any inflammation I had.

You become a bit skin-obsessed when you get pregnancy dermatitis because it is just so frustrating!

Now I am munching on my favourite massaged kale salad for dinner and waiting to watch "My Kitchen Rules." Massaging the kale for this salad makes it more palatable and easier to digest as it breaks down the fibrous leaves before you even chew it. 


Jane's Massaged Kale Salad

5 big leaves of curly kale
1/2 apple
Handful walnuts
Handful dried cranberries
Olive oil
Orange juice
Sprinkle of salad seeds (optional)

Strip kale off the stem into bite-sized pieces, wash and dry. Place kale into a bowl. Drizzle a little olive oil into the palm of your hand, rub your hands together and get massaging! Press and squeeze kale between your hands until it softens and turns a brighter green. Once kale is done, chop apple into bite-sized pieces and add to salad. Toss with walnuts and dried cranberries, drizzle some orange juice over the salad and top with some salad seeds.

Yum! The perfect autumn salad

Any combo of toasted seeds will do

eyelash tint

I got an eyelash tint today at the beautician after my orthodontist appointment today. I totally tripped over on an uneven bit of pavement today and people saw, so I figured I deserve it.

Worth it. I feel so much better even though it is such a small change. Girl treats!

long time no blog + third trimester bliss balls

It has been a really long time since I have even looked at this blog and believe me, a lot has changed since I last posted. I will give you a little run-down of the events that have transpired since I last wrote. 

I am currently 29 weeks pregnant with a little baby girl (which means that I would have been pregnant the last time I posted here but had no clue at the time! Freaky!) and absolutely over the moon about it. Overall it has been a wonderful pregnancy; bub and I are both healthy and growing as we should, Luke and I are super in love and I feel so blessed to be growing our very own human. I adore my baby bump and feeling her kick and twist in there.

It definitely looks bigger from the side, trust me

Some parts of the pregnancy experience have been a struggle; I had all really bad nausea and food aversions every day for the first 14 weeks or so of the pregnancy, although this thankfully has passed and made way for a very healthy appetite! I have also been dealing with stubborn dermatitis on my face (ONLY on my face! What?) that was probably triggered by all the hormonal changes from pregnancy. This has been difficult as it is impossible to treat and is affecting my self-esteem a bit, but I am just trying to remember that my friends and family value me for more than just clear skin, and hopefully it is just a phase my skin is going through that will pass after little baby is born.

Happily, the minute the pregnancy test showed the positive (after being about a week late on my period) marked the last day of the bulimic episodes that were plaguing me since getting out of hospital at the end of May 2014- after all, an eating disorder and a pregnancy cannot live together in harmony. I have been eating a large variety and quantity of food, have gained a healthy amount of weight for how far along I am and have a nice round baby bump out in front. I also made the difficult decision to start eating meat and dairy again after the crazy food aversions made it very difficult to maintain my usual dietary habits, and am not sure what path I will follow with my diet once the baby is born.

I think I will keep blogging for the remainder of the pregnancy at least (only 11 weeks to go!) and hopefully will continue when I have a newborn. I wanted to post today because I just created an awesome recipe and wanted to share it with my Mum, although I did somewhat tailor it to my pregnant-girl dietary requirements! I shall call them Third Trimester Bliss Balls, as they provide a shitload of good nutrients for what really is a particularly tiring time during the pregnancy. The walnuts and coconut are full of good fats, the dates and molasses are high in iron, the spirulina is high in protein, the prunes and chia seeds are great for keeping you regular (a pregnancy must) and the maca powder helps to balance out crazy pregnancy hormones. Plus, they are delicious!


Third Trimester Bliss Balls

2 cups walnuts
1 cup dates
Big handful prunes
1 cup desiccated coconut
1/4 cup chia seeds
1 tbsp melted coconut oil
1 tbsp molasses
3 tbsp raw cacao powder
1 tbsp maca powder
2 tsp spirulina

In the food processor, pulse the walnuts. Add the dates and prunes and process again. Add 1/2 cup desiccated coconut, chia seeds, coconut oil, molasses, cacao powder, maca powder and spirulina and process the lot until it starts clumping together. Roll the balls in the remaining 1/2 cup of desiccated coconut and place balls in an airtight container in the fridge.

Notes: You might need to play with the nut/dried fruit ratios to make sure the mixture is not too dry and not too sticky. Too dry = add more dates and prunes. Too sticky: add more nuts. If you like a chunkier ball, process for a shorter amount of time. You can also play with quantities of the superfood powders to suit your taste.

Delicious!

leg day

Today my sister and I went to the gym for leg day and it was the best. We did squats, lunges, the leg press, hamstring curls, and rounded out the workout with some sit-ups. Jelly legs afterwards! I certainly earned my post-shower Sunwarrior chocolate protein shake.

It is so much more fun going to the gym with a workout buddy, that's for sure.

Hi guys

Frilly socks!

Now we are heading off to Floriade (flower festival) for date night. Apparently there is a ferris wheel, food and cocktails, so I'm in.

vegan again

I have some food-related news...I have reconnected with my vegan self (and am feeling very happy with my decision). 

I am jumping back into the vegan rabbit hole (carrot hole?) without a lot of support this time, as last time my restrictive diet culminated with a hospital stay and diagnosis of ED-NOS. Not this time, people! I know that I have to increase my volume of food this time as grains, beans, fruit and vegetables are not as calorie-dense as vegetarian foods such as cheese, yoghurt and Questbars. 

I am going to do it properly and make sure that I eat enough. Besides, I have put heaps of work into building my muscles at the gym that I don't want to throw it all away but having no energy and not having enough protein!

Starting to get muscle definition on my shoulders!

I am sad to give up my Questbars but am very excited about this development and feel that I am more than capable to design a nourishing, filling vegan diet for myself this time around. I wish that people would trust me more with this! But I understand why they don't...

I am on day two of going completely vegan again and I feel fantastic. I made brown rice porridge with berries for breakfast this morning and it was delicious. My passion for food really emerges when I explore a healthy, plant-based diet full of wholegrains, fruit and vegetables. I even feel more "myself" when I am vegan. It's hard to explain...I think it's just because my food is more in line with my ethical beliefs than when I am eating vegetarian or pescetarian.

still unemployed!

Well, I am still unemployed and searching for my new career. Job hunting is HARD, yo. I am thinking of starting up my own dog grooming business, but I will need a reliable car with a tow bar for the dog wash. I am still at a bit of a loss as to what I want to do, but I am toying with a few ideas.

I am still eating vegetarian, not vegan; just cracked an organic free-range egg into my banana smoothie and am calling it dinner. I have still been steadily gaining weight instead of maintaining, so I am really trying not to freak out. Self-acceptance is a difficult concept to master, especially coming from Eating Disorder Land. I guess I just have to trust my body to do what it needs to do to be healthy.

I just got back from a weekend at the coast with my friend Skye. We walked along the beach dodging the bluebottles with their super-long stingers, worked on the farm doing jobs like weeding, planting seeds and chopping wood, and I went to her friend's housewarming party in an old cheese factory where we let our hair down in a pretty major way. I also got to have my hand suckled by a group of very excited calves who thought my hand was a cow teat, what a treat! 

So cold and so deep

Make-up free selfies are the best selfies

I am exhausted! I think I will sleep well tonight!

In other news, I got another tattoo: a little ovary (or rather my artist's impression of an ovary, as it was drawn by me) on my left wrist. I hate it when people attribute all sorts of lame meanings to their tattoos but mine is a bit strange-looking so I will explain: to me it signifies being myself, being a woman, celebrating femininity, accepting my new (recovered) curvy shape, new life, and enjoying the ebb and flow of life as a lady.

Madame Ovary

It has been such a weird year and there is still October, November and December to go! I love the festive season and I think it will be a good one this year. I turn twenty-five in January too, and I have to admit I feel a bit weird about that! Jesus, a quarter down already if I live to one hundred.

so lost

This has been the strangest, most difficult year of my life. I feel so lost right now, I don't know what is next for me or what I even want any more. I want the universe to give me some kind of sign and tell me what I should do next. 

Life has been a mess, really all over the place. I laugh. Then I cry. Then I laugh again. I quit the job at the Chinese Medicine clinic. Now I am frantically searching for a new job. I spend all my money on Questbars and then feel bad when I can't make rent.I changed my hair back from blonde to brown. I got a tattoo. I pierced my ear. 

I got wasted on red wine at a family party. I caught up with a dear girlfriend and ordered a decaf soy cappuccino when what I really wanted was the peanut butter shake. I want to do a complete detox but then I eat a mound of chocolate. I have outgrown (literally) all my pre-hospital clothes but I can't really afford new ones. I ate smoked salmon but now I really want to go fully vegan again. 

I am everywhere at the moment, and I am putting strain on the people around me and I know it but I can't help it. I want to go out and live every experience there is but at the same time the world is too much and I want to go back to the safe haven of hospital, with scheduled meal times and someone to remind me to take my medication, and quiet time to read and a logbook that I have to sign out of if I want to go for a walk.

I just want to start this year over fresh. Ugh, exhausted!

My sister and I in the tattoo parlour

Matching (mine is the filled-in one)

Detox equipment

change is good

It has been a super hectic working week- I calculated that I have worked fifty hours in the Chinese medicine clinic already. I have been so busy and stressed, but it's a good thing- I'm earning money and contributing financially to the household income, something I haven't been able to do for a couple of months.

My new income is also happily contributing to an Amber Sceats ring, a Dreams In Colour scarf, and my first ever tattoo (spontaneous, I ducked into the tattoo parlour on the way to an appointment with my psychologist). 

I haven't had any bulimic episodes for over two weeks and I am eating normally and maintaining a healthy weight, so I think that deserves a treat...or three...anyway, celebrations are in order! I now have the energy and stamina to work, and go to the gym, and not need to sleep for half the day. 

A tiny heart (but I actually have a big heart!)

work trial

Hello! I have been absent for a few days because I have been super busy!

I have been having a trial working in the Chinese Medicine clinic for the past few days. I have been exhausted from nine hour days, but I want this job! The practitioners are all so lovely and it's a really nice space; herbal tea for the clients, nice meditative music playing, beautiful treatment rooms. I have never tried acupuncture or cupping but I want to put both on the list of new things to try this year! I like mixing up the herbs for the clients too- some of them (the herbs, not the clients) smell so good, like cinnamon and peppermint.

Trench coat and heels for work

Leopard heels

I am unfortunately home sick today (have been fighting a bug all week!) so it has been a bit of a quiet day`. So far I have slept a lot and watched "What To Expect When You're Expecting," a movie that I have seen before but like watching again because I like pregnancy and birth and all that stuff. 

I have also eaten an entire packet of Arnott's Spicy Fruit Roll biscuits, among other things. I just went crazy and couldn't resist! My belly is all bloated and sad but I am refusing to give in to bulimic urges. I have come so far already, don't want to throw it all away just because of some biscuits. I have to trust that my body will just digest them and pass them through without any "help" from me.

job interview today!

Today at 2pm I am going for a job interview for a receptionist role in a Chinese Medicine clinic. I am super excited because they are all about acupuncture, fertility, and helping people to fix various health problems via natural methods. This is my jam, y'all!

This place is like the Canberra version of Natalie Kringourdis' The Pagoda Tree. And readers of this blog will know that I love Natalie Kringourdis from afar. She is so enlightening and supportive of women working through their health and fertility issues. A talk she did was my inspiration for going off the oral contraceptive pill, and I am feeling really good since I did that.

Wish me luck...!

I'm not wearing this giant hoodie to the interview, obvs

sunday funday

This weekend has been a relaxed dream. Yesterday I got my hair cut (shorter!), went to the gym for an excellent arm workout, read "Textbook Romance" by Zoe Foster- it's awesome- and watched two episodes of "The Bachelor." Oh, and spent time with my love! The time that I spend with my husband is the best time.

Bed head and faux fur coat

Today has been relaxing too; a huge sleep in followed by a Sunday morning market trip with Mum, then cuddles with Luke and Toto, then another market trip (I usually go twice on a Sunday, to two different markets).I got kale, baby spinach, apples, a blood orange because I don't think I've ever tried one, then we got meat (not for me!), bananas, grapes, sweet potato, salted mixed nuts and coconut water at the other market. The fridge is extremely full!

Huge daikon

Happy Apple stand

I also made a green smoothie and a green smoothie bowl with toppings for tomorrow's breakfast, so I hope it goes okay. I put chia seeds, goji berries, seed mix and shredded coconut on top. I may also add some sprouted cereal tomorrow. I have never made one before but I have seen them heaps on instagram and they look so pretty and yummy! Will let you know. 

Now we are heading off to see an ice hockey match at the local ice skating rink- we did this last week for a date and it was really fun.

i'm so fancy

Today I stayed at home in a huge t-shirt and leggings, applied for a job at a Chinese Medicine clinic (fingers crossed for an interview!) and got my hair did. Thanks Cheynee! 

I also cancelled my childcare course and took my name off the temp register- I tried a couple of shifts working in childcare centres but it's just not for me. The kids were cute and all, but I really can't escape my passion for nutrition and natural medicine! It's all I want to do. I just have to get focused and make headway with my Advanced Diploma of Naturopathy (I deferred for a little while post-hospital).

Food today has mostly consisted of a lot of snacking! Quest protein bars (my poor overworked kidneys), almonds, sultanas, and cereal. Totally inspired, I know! I really have to get back into cooking interesting food and having fun with it like I used to. My relationship with food is a little strained at the moment as I am still getting fully on board with recovery, but hopefully we will patch things up before too long.

Blonde refreshed

craving chocolate

I had an insatiable craving for food today, mostly chocolate! My stomach was a black hole and I ate my way through a bagel, dried fruit and nuts, a crumpet, muesli with almond milk, a protein bar, a smoothie, chocolate...some days I guess you just need more calories than other days. I am learning to listen to my body and try to eat what I want instead of what I think I should eat.

Loving being blonde

I had a childcare class tonight but I didn't learn much, we're just easing into the term and it's mostly just introductory stuff. Yesterday was nice because it was my Mum's birthday (happy birthday Mum!) and I went out to lunch with her and my sister. I ordered rosemary and brown rice cakes with a beetroot and feta salad, it was pretty good. Later on in the night we had a family birthday party- it was roast chicken with vegetables and gravy, although Fern and I abstained from the gravy and chicken. It was a difficult night for me as I ate a large portion of birthday cake, and I feel sad to admit this but I caved into my stupid bulimic urges and ended up in the bathroom afterwards.

I think that in order to recover properly I have to make sure that I am more mindful about what I eat so I can digest it happily without any eating disordered behaviour. Something to work on for the future! I am so close to being recovered I can taste it (no pun intended) and I just have to keep starting fresh and working until I get there.

gaining weight

I just want to talk for a minute about my weight gain and the effects that it has had on me mentally, physically and emotionally, in case there are people reading this that are stuck in a skinny rut and are afraid to climb on out. 

In the last three months I have gained seven and a half kilograms and I don't think I've even reached my body's "happy weight" yet. To be fair, I may also be gaining muscle as I have really gotten into weights at the gym lately (extra muscle would be awesome!). I am beginning to really feel appreciation for my body and what it can do.

I started to gain some weight back when I was admitted to hospital (pre-admission my BMI was 17), where I was subjected to regular meals- some of them were even supervised by nurses, as my nemesis bulimia reared its ugly head around this time- and was encouraged to gain weight. I allowed myself treats that I haven't had in years; Mars bars, custard tarts, a few hot chips pinched off Luke's plate. I relaxed a little. I gained a little.

First night in hospital

Tired

Since leaving hospital at the beginning of April, I have continued to gain weight and I am not letting it freak me out at all. I weigh myself once a week if I even remember, and the number holds no power over me at all. It is so interesting how letting go has given me a new lease on life- if only I had known this earlier I could have saved myself a lot of mental anguish! I am still struggling with bulimia, but every time I abstain from those behaviours I feel proud, strong and healthy. And I am getting better and better at abstaining every day. Getting healthy for the win!

Me and my sister- love you Fern

Three or four months ago this weight gain would have freaked me out and sent me into a spin, and I would have desperately fallen into the cycle of multiple weigh-ins per day plus intense restriction of food until it dropped into an acceptable range (in my mind). I can't even imagine how distressing my current weight would have been for me back when I was in the pits of an eating disorder. I told myself that I would never weigh over 55kg, which I can see now was a silly goal. My weight at the moment is 61.4kg and I am 173cm tall, so I am within a healthy BMI range now. And I am so much happier for it.

Energy for friends!

Dancing!

To be honest, I feel so much better about my body now than I did when I weighed less. It's like my goggles have slipped off and I can see myself as I really am, instead of the big beached whale I saw when I was thinner. I feel more womanly and more feminine, two things which are important to me. I can go to a party and dance for hours if I want to. I can go to the zoo without having to sit down on a bench after a short walk. I can go to the markets in the morning with Mum without freezing to the bone. I can eat lollies in bed with my husband without feeling panicked and awful. Life is so much richer now that my eating disorder has been forced to detach itself from me (with help from my husband, family and psychologist!).

Bigger and happier

To anyone struggling with an eating disorder or anything of the like who reads this blog, challenge yourself. Eat a treat and see what happens. Sit with that uncomfortable full feeling and test it out. Nothing bad will happen, I promise. Even though my weight doesn't appear to have stabilized yet, and I am still getting into the habit of eating regularly and healthily, I no longer worry about that stupid number on the scales. I am learning that people value you for so much more than your thinness or your ability to starve; people value your sense of humour, your empathy, your love. 

Holding a friend's (heavy!) baby

i'm back

I'm back! It has been a very strange couple of months since I last wrote. Life is never dull, that's for sure. I was in hospital for one month (the whole of May!) following a little breakdown and a subsequent diagnosis of ED-NOS (Eating Disorder- Not Otherwise Specified) and Borderline Personality Disorder with Major Depressive and Anxiety Disorders (say it fast!). I am sharing this information because I don't want to pretend that life is perfect (gives everyone unreal expectations and sets you up for disappointment) and plus I just don't like keeping secrets. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of!

Since I got out of hospital, life has been alternately relaxing and hectic. In the weeks following my hospital discharge I have: 

• Quit my job at the weight-loss centre
• Enrolled into and began a Certificate III in Childcare
• Completed my first-ever childcare shift (and poo-ey nappy change!)
• Switched from being vegan to being vegetarian
• Gained seven and a half kilograms (and counting!)
• Have seriously upped my strength training at the gym and am loving it
• Have gone from natural brunette to blonde
• Attended a four-week eating disorders program (government-funded)
• Am beginning to get my social life back.

Winter cold!

Phew. I can feel myself changing for the better, and have been very lucky and blessed to have my husband and family around me in this difficult time. I have returned to blogging simply because it is a way to keep track of things, and it is nice to look back and reflect on life. 

Today I have cleared my calendar to just focus on cleansing. For me, this involves a nourishing juice/smoothie and homemade vegetable broth diet for the day, writing in my journal to try to get all my mind-junk out and onto paper, exercising (kicked out a killer arms workout this morning), and just generally taking care of my mind and body. I have also done a coffee grounds-and-olive oil body scrub and had a delicious shower to wash it all off, and I highly recommend this if you have a day free for pampering. You literally just mix up old coffee grounds with a bit of olive oil, take it to the shower and get messy with it. Smells yum.

Life is a lot different since I got help for my issues. I now have the energy to actually live and I am excited about it. Will tell you more and encourage anyone who is reading this to GET HELP for whatever is bringing you down. And of course I still have super difficult days, but overall things are looking a lot brighter and I know that I have people around who love and care for me. I will write more about everything that has happened to me in the next few weeks so you can understand where I have been, but for now I am just having a relaxing day hanging with my dog and looking after myself.

some ranting and an early night

God damn this has been a shitty week. Sorry Luke and family! Ugh. Won't go into the gory details though as this is obviously my public FOOD blog. So anything I say about my personal life is really an overshare, isn't it?

Yes, I zip up my hoodie the whole way

Tomorrow morning at around 4am my husband (HUSBAND), brother-in-law and I are heading out to the war memorial for the Anzac Day dawn service. It is going to be freezing cold, and I am a bit nervous because I fainted last year and had to be wheel-chaired out through a crowd of thousands. Tens of thousands, even. Fingers crossed that this year will be better!

This blog is getting so personal and so not about food anymore. Although I would like to report that my sister has gone vegetarian after she saw some cutie little piglets at a petting zoo in a shopping centre and it was the final straw for her. The petting zoo was located next to the local butcher- WHAT. THE. People just don't seem to make the connection between the living, breathing, feeling creature and the pink, clean plastic-wrapped meat. It is all so sanitized, and bloodless...I wonder if the majority of the population had to kill to eat, and get all messy, and actually take a life, would they do it?

Well, this is getting a bit morbid. My apologies (although you have stumbled upon a vegan food blog, so probably expect a bit of anti-meat industry stuff all up in here). I think I will just crawl into bed with my pounding headache and sleep it off. I am in a bit of a bad mood if you can't tell.

very tired

I spent most of today in bed alternating between reading on my eReader (I have been a mad bookworm ever since I was little) and napping. I just feel so lethargic, and daytime naps are just about the only thing getting me through at the moment!

Now, to come clean to any readers I have left: my diet is disappointingly very plain and not even terribly healthy at the moment. You could say that I am having a bit of an inspiration drought in this area (and if you said that, you would be accurate). I haven't tried out a new recipe for months (apart from a delicious sauerkraut sandwich that I invented), and I mostly just eat the same things over and over- I apologise to anybody still reading as I know that this behaviour results in an extremely boring food blog!

I would like to know how others find inspiration with food when it starts to lack? I remember that at the beginning of my vegan journey I was all about the raw cheesecakes, chia seed puddings, making my own creative snacks for work and trying out a new smoothie combination almost every day! 

Here are some snapshots of what my life kind of looks like at the moment. I have also been (finally) investing some brainpower into my assignments for my diploma, spending time with my husband, going back to work after the honeymoon, and sorting through our wedding photos. We also finished watching "Breaking Bad." It should be renamed "Breaking Jane's Heart." Poor Jesse. Poor Walt Junior. Disregard if you're not a fan of the show.

Bagels, the other love of my life

Loving being a wife

Morning chlorophyll and market trip

Hanging out with this creature

sisters

Hey y'all!

Just having a quiet girl's night at home with my sister. We are looking at "Hotdogs or Legs" on Tumblr, ate vegan "meat" and sauerkraut sandwiches, and are fooling around on the webcam. As you do.

We are both a bit grumpy because she has really dry skin at the moment and I am recovering from having two teeth extracted. Winning at life.

Hello!

Happy together